Sunday, August 9, 2009

changing by increments of life/death. (an inventory of fears)

i guess it comes back to the glass half empty debate. lately i have been thinking of my fears. the things i fear most are not being able to take adequate care of my loved ones and also, betrayal. i guess it makes sense then that these have been the most prominent struggles of my life, from being very turbulent (if well intentioned) to being left out in the cold by people i spent ages helping and caring about/rooting for or having fucked up romantic relationships. it is a test, i guess. i don't however buy the whole "we draw it to ourselves" theory, though i do see how a certain karmic lens of seeing would affect situations and allow that TO be the case...I just argue that it is inevitable or that it is done, for lack of a better comparison, in an autonomic fashion. As a solopsist I would pamper myself, hahaha! Fuck the olympic trials!!!
Anyway, people fear change and it is funny because we change our whole lives everyday, and THAT is something out of our control. We die or live in increments all the time, and you have to decide which you are doing.
I am thinking about how after my father's heart attack in 2003 (around the time my band DIVEST was working with Dr Know of Bad Brains and the Applehead Studios guys on our album), my dad became emboldened in many ways and more open, more acute. He had a septuple bypass and lived and has since become, more...the word isn't compatible or "friendly", but i think, easier to communicate with. It's a blessing of the scares we've had that it has removed any pretenses and he takes good care of himself now (though he sneaks the odd cigarette still, which drives me nuts). Another example would be a dear friend and a heroic rock and roll champion i know who has been through so much and just was diagnosed with MS, and another friend who has lived for years with pain from a broken neck.
then i know all these people who have a lot less to complain about and flirt with disaster and cradle themselves, driving with blinders on...and are always so shocked when they crash. they don't ever have time for other's troubles or perspective but DAMN you if you don't mollycoddle theirs. that's not how life works and it is a false bubble. to hell with it.
at the same time, i fully believe in compassion and as easy as it is for me to say (and FUCKING KNOW 100%) that people should know better and have had ample examples around them not to do certain deadly things or that they should respect and know who their real friends have been over the years...well, you have to try and accept that everyone is flawed, just as i have my own (though thank fucking god they aren't those 'cuz i'd kill myself for a hypocrite/coward no matter how good i had it).
wayward roads and deep cadaverns, i'll be taking ass and kicking names (with more style, cuz I don't have the easy tools). the road less traveled is honesty.
but yeah, it's ok. we're all flawed, but that is a two way street.
love is the answer and i have it for everyone, but it is hard not to want to choke out people that you think have wronged you at crucial times until they are blue in the face when it comes to working six days a week and feeling crazy/too stupid to figure a solution out and meanwhile my father goes back in the hospital and my parents are in danger of losing their house.
i read this ashton kutcher (of all people) interview where he said one of the secrets of his success was drawing himself to sucess and putting out a sucessful vibe, and i relate to that, but also am not ashamed of admitting struggles, because it is all part of life and multi-faceted, not just a stigma, as anyone else in this recession or who has ever struggled with addiction or domestic problems/rape aftermath/anything/fill in the blank...(even basic existentialist dread is good enough!..or boredom!) should damn well know. damn it, eat your fortune cookies and pay better attention to each other. this is the 40th anniversary of woodstock, where is the love?
i wanna be more eckhard tolle-esque, though i am a bitter, bitter young man for my 31 years.
i want friends who arent ashamed under ANY circumstances to show where theyve come from and how they got here. fuck everything else, but give peace a chance too. i'm not trying to stir the pot again, just expresing myself without censoring as always. just like i will always keep writing songs against heroin abuse. if you liked them in 2003 and not now, i haven't changed, look at yourselves, 'cuz some new ones are coming and they truthfully AREN'T about anyone in particular...just my point of view.
was talking to a friend the other day about how william s burroughs was so much cooler than half the junkies out there in that atleast he was honest. hide and seek and liars can eat a dick salad, in any walk of life (this is just an all too easy example from mine).
anyway, my band FUSE's "organizm" cd from 1999 is ten years old. it was about struggling with becoming a better person/organizm/lover/cowboy, as is this blog, so it bears toasting. if you wanna reminisce or hear it for the first time.
those were pretty good times, gotta say, i liked a lot of things better.
but, this day and age aint so bad either. you have to accept reality and grow/change with it.
adapt. love.
prove the haters shallow, if the struggle is worth it to you. or just live.
all things take their toll.
i am living...and thankful.