Thursday, April 15, 2010

"Fear" Of A Black Rainbow

Current mood:om
my pal neesh wrote me yesterday and wanted to know why i tweeted an old flier. it was from 1st ever pitchfork militia woodstock show w shabutie/melancholy in '94. she also wanted to know more about Pat, the drummer of my first band Melancholy. Next year will be ten years since his tragic overdose. upon careful reflection i wrote neesh this back (with some minor editing for this blog):

Just an old flier.was trying to make point about how long we've all been@this & how sad drug shit was for the still hurt by coheed's conduct. i don't let it HURT me anymore as have embraced compassion, so i am not writing out of anger so much, but will always speak what i believe to be the truth. I don't NEED anything from them and am not asking for it, other than respect adn the truth. know you (neesh) and jtb666 (john the baker/eppard uncle/my hero) are well intentioned. only you & ern from weerd science ever said anything good about amp/crusher ws intierviews i did for josh after they came out.josh-just complaints...even after he + coheed never admitted my sis Cambria exists,stonewalled nate kelley for years & used my lyrics-"be the engineer"-in hearshot kid disaster song,a tune which i've performed 2x w them live back when i thought any day they'd admit it! best was when i intyd liam from the amazing dillinger escape plan for (in the archives section now) re-ire works & he was sad about chris leaving dep for coca & didn't know i was in a band w original shabutie drummer nate kelley at the time (PPSP)! irony is a dead scene for sure-speaking of which,on the subject of DEATH...i am one of only people who tried to save mic todd,a former band mate of mine (the electric ten inch) & a one time best friend-even after he scooped someone he knew i was madly in love w off me,his now ex wife-who i am friends w again. mic's own dad thanked me later & said "we almost lost mic"! "be the engineer" was fuse song (my old band: on error 404 comp i put out w shabutie on it! the 1st time they were ever on cd was due to me and my friend Tom Moretti! my real life sis cambria was called liar/whore by coheed fans just for telling stories to kids on message boards and no one stood up for her. coheed wrote her and said 'it wasn't meant to be weird"/ so tell the truth then!!!! coca all knew pat howland from melancholy, we all played shows every weekend together! & they saw me struggle w dope at age 16! read my book i will be scene. i even had a sci fi novel comic in fuse going back as far as 97 tying in w fuse songs (before them)!


they don't care about me or my family or truth. i loved & always have tried my whole fucking life to help us all rise. they never helped my old band divest like they always talked about, even though we also worked w doc from bad brains and had same applehead producers as coheed. dave parker from divest even quit the band to join coheed! dave/josh ALSO even asked me to try to help mic todd by doing an intervention about his drug use & i didn't know they were fucked up 2 (i later apologized to Travis for this)! meanwhile, DIVEST had written a full length album about my struggles with heroin GHOST TOWN RECKONING that these people were a part of or orbitting!!!!!! i am positive person but don't deserve/need this. i will be scene took me 15 years to write & not 1 word from coca about it! pat's story is in there as is mine & much of theirs.mic hasn't talked to me in 4 years despite my attempts.last thing i told him on phone was "i love you like a bro/please stop smack!" mic overdosed @ a7x/coheed civic center show backstage. have tried for years to extend olive branch to him, when it should've been the other way around.
sorry...just seeing JTB666 (who i have huge respect for and love) tweet about how coheed was all about "family", when they are named after someone from MY family and have stonewalled me, who helped them all the time for years in the early days, really made me sad. I love the guys from 3 (for example) and everyone in the scene and have no problems with 99.9% of people in my life except a truly small handful of people.everyone knows i am all about the love. i was even hapilly talking with travis and being civil for awhile/extending faith for a better outcome/healing and I sent him congrats when i heard the amazing news about them and peter david working on YOTBR together/i am proud of that for them! but i saw them a few years back at a boris show and said i wanted to get through our differences. they agreed. SO This is not an "attack" but still after all this time they still have never admitted one of my claims even after i tried to make peace and wrote nice things about coheed in a baroness AMP interview and several other major national articles. Mic still won't talk to me. I interview bands for free everyday trying to help the scene. I make no money doing so, not a cent! I have $60 to my name and my dad has cancer and thousands to pay in medical bills. I do this from the heart. Mic's "recovery" has become just more spin for the band when earlier his problem was so hushed up he almost died several fucking times. i find it hard to get enthused at the same old song and dance and sweeping of this shit under the rug.
it takes 5 seconds to tell the truth and is always better policy. i always credit everyone who influences me or try and keep the history of the scene true. i am sure i will always believe that is right. it's less about anger or money than the truth.lifers keep going at this out've faith and love and will never stop even when we are starving artists, so it's certainly not all about money, more about respect/the truth and the people who died fighting for the same cause that get no respect/are forgotten. that's my motivation. love ya all/even Coheed. This is still fucked, though.

then again:
"kali can be defined as the insight born of tragedy, catharsis and suffering. Kali's glance reveals to us the deeper meaning, transforming our lives. Yet Kali is not present only in suffering. Her SHAKTI represents the seasons of spring and summer as much as she manifests death and decay. Every transformation holds some of Kali's shakti. We need to embrace the power of transformation inherent in every moment. Ultimately embracing all life at the momnt of death brings us full circle with Kali's forces...the dilemma rests in that we only want to embrace the changes we enjoy and resonate with. This isolates us from the reality of transformation itself, drawing us into inertia and mediocrity. Kali facilitates all transformations, including those that are painful, thereby connecting us..."-Shambavi L. Chopra from YOGIC SECRETS OF THE DARK GODDESS.

so, i am embracing and feel fine./peaceful...but it isn't wrong to speak what i believe is true.
Currently reading:
Star Wars: The Truce at Bakura v. 4
By Kathy Tyers