Wednesday, March 9, 2011
low grade high grade
seeing things in shifting lights. mirror ball fractal objectivity vs subjectivity.
one minute i am surrounded by art supplies and a decent red wooden floor and stacks of magazines i've contributed to, thinking about a swirl of recent events and trips to washington d.c. to see the younger, go getting law student girl i've been dating and then suddenly i am full of displeasure and lying on a crap mattress with no clean sheet and piles of junk filling the hallways outside my door from incredibly messy roommates.
one minute i am happy i've chosen to follow my dreams and pursue freedom and other moments i feel very far from free and that i've lost a lot, bleary eyed. then i'm helping book a major national act to an obscure punk club. then i am reading and in another dimension or sitting in a fictional meeting in London or shifting in and out of connectivity.
both zen AND in the double edged moment, happy to be alive but brimming with frustration and too often sloughing off layers of broken hearted glass onion bullshit, bogging me down but dear unto itself and sacred different times.
i stay positive and yet get tired, like anyone.
feel like i operate on a different plane than most sometimes, not in an erudite way (in a bad way, atleast) but question the lack of sensitivity in people to question things like association and branding and yet then i am working for crap money (but happily usually out of sight) in the back room of a closeout furniture store (are the brands a little cooler once they have been damaged and become a little "different" again?). Am I reading too much Gibson? I think all this stuff is important.
borrowed laptop freezes up and reboot but happy to have something. muted it works better, oddly (unlike me-depending on who you talk to).
am I bitching about being poor and yet feeling cool to be a sort of expatriate with the flu barricaded in my little room saying f.u. to those who want me to give up and go away? or am I just being helped by others to survive as i remain idealistic about a bound to crash plan?the future is UNWRITTEN! have to believe that.
i don't just seek fame. the journey is important. quality of work is important...though stability is certainly not something to shun because it brings us back to that concept of freedom.
i want to help those i love and be happy myself. meanwhile have a huge fine to pay off and am burdening people (even though was NOT all my fault) and have this odd desire to be anonymous and blend into the background, only to emerge in massive affectation guerrilla consummation with the zeitgeist when i feel sound and charged with vibrational kundalini lazer might.
just want autonomy, really...and the ability to still swim and reach my goals.
flu from march seasonal shifting and probably smoked too much pot (quit hard drugs years ago). coughing and grumpy. feel low grade/high grade. low brow/hig brow. highly functional and motivated but really jaded and pissed at this stage of things and then guilty because I hate entitlement but that debate then reminds me that feel exhausted and I need to get into a peaceful, "allow the moment" head space. exist for existence sake, amidst the parade. so, dysfunctional.
hope i find more income i believe in or can stomach soon.
i know i help a lot of people and don't need to feel so low, but am dead broke and unhappy right now-though as I write that I feel better and have that objectivity and self-awareness back again, looking at myself from above and feeling ok, over all.
...samsara continues! The wheel of time turns! I try and accept you for who you all are. it's your karma...but I want what I want.
grinning and rolling over back to cheap mattress full of half full hearted yoga and flirtatiously agnostic prayers to a nonetheless firmly believed in higher power/universal light.
begging to encounter the luck of he draw and to not be so challenged all the time so I can focus more on getting work done other than karmic struggle. lalalalalalalalala